Unlocking your Inner Dominant or Submissive

Unlocking your Inner Dominant or Submissive

By: Kaylee Rouse

 

Breaking stereotypes!

 

1. Dominants are not always sadistic and harsh.

Another misconception is that dominant partners are selfish or domineering. In fact, many dominants are sensitive and empathetic, taking their leadership role seriously. There’s a big difference between being dominant and being domineering.

2. Submissives are not powerless in the relationship.

 Submissives are often strong, intelligent, and capable individuals who find fulfillment in supportive roles. Many successful leaders in various fields are submissives in their relationships or even just in the bedroom. 

3. D/S is not always kinky and doesn't have to even include BDSM.

D/s does not equal BDSM and is not synonymous with kink. While some d/s relationships may explore both, many D/S couples lead a “vanilla” lifestyle, focusing on the relational dynamic rather than specific practices.

4. Dominants do not have to be the giver (top) and Submissives aren’t always the receiver (bottom).

D/S relationships can be strictly in the bedroom but are often a lifestyle choice and not inherently sexual.  Deciding whether you are a top, bottom or vers is dependent on your preferred sexual position. You can prefer to top and still be a submissive in and out of the bedroom. Truth is: You get to decide what you want your D/S relationship looks like, and you don’t even have to call it that!

General possibilities for a D/S relationship or scene include:

Top: The “giver” in a sexual relationship

Bottom: The "receiver" in a sexual relationship

Vers: Someone who enjoys being both bottom and top.

Dominant: A person who takes on a leadership role in the relationship

Submissive: A person that desires to let go and trust someone else to lead

Switch: Someone who enjoys leading and letting go

 

 

What are protocols and rituals?

Within D/s dynamics, rituals and protocols are often agreed upon to enhance the experience, create structure, and deepen the connection between partners. These are structured guidelines and symbolic acts that reinforce power dynamics. The protocols and rituals decided upon by the dominant and submissive can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved.

Protocols: Established rules and guidelines that dictate the behavior and interactions between the Dominant and submissive.

Examples include:

• Scheduled weekly check-ins where both parties discuss their emotional well-being and any concerns or desires. 

• The submissive addresses the Dominant as "Sir" or "Madam" at all times during interactions, maintaining a respectful tone and demeanor.

• Setting financial tribute schedules and expectations for the submissive's contributions. This protocol defines the financial aspect of the dynamic.

Rituals: A ritual is a repeated, structured sequence of actions or behaviors.

Examples include:

• Daily "petting" sessions where the Dominant strokes or brushes the submissive's hair or body as a form of affection and control.

• Daily kneeling sessions where the submissive presents themselves for inspection and receives affirmations of their submission.

• Offering a foot massage or back rub to the Dominant after a long day, accompanied by verbal expressions of devotion.

Why consider protocols or rituals?

For some, a ritual signals the end of their “vanilla” life as they step into the D/S headspace. For others, ritual is a very large part of their dynamics, and overall lives.

Find what works best for you!

No two d/s relationships have the same protocols and rituals. Your relationship doesn't even have to include them if you do not want to. Additionally, you can tailor protocols or rituals to closer align with relevant kinks or fetishes.

Some common types of rituals include:

Collaring, Task lists, Morning/Evening rituals, journaling, worship, impact play, affirmations, etc…

Finding the kinks for you:

What is the difference between kinks and fetishes?

Kink and fetish are commonly intertwined. For example, someone may have a cigar fetish and also enjoy degradation and masochism. However, they may not get the same fulfillment from the kinks if the fetish is not present. Fetishes are a subset of kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. 

Fetish:

Fetishes are typically tied to a particular object (like shoes, leather, or certain fabrics), body parts (like feet or hair), or situation (like findomme). Individuals with fetishes often require the presence or interaction with the object/situation to achieve sexual arousal or gratification. Additionally, fetishes can be used to put the fetishist in a certain mindset.

Kink:

Kinks encompass a wide range of unconventional sexual practices and interests, including those that might be considered unusual, taboo, or outside of typical sexual norms. While some kinks might involve specific objects or situations, they don't necessarily require them for arousal or satisfaction. 

Kink Examples:

Bondage, Pet Play, Impact Play, Objectifacation, Degradation, Age Play, Primal, Humiliation, Masochism, Sadism, Splooshing, Breeding, Cuckholding, Edging, Breath Play, Consentual Non-Concentual (CNC), Cock and Ball Torture (CBT), Praise, Sensory Depravation, Fisting, etc..

Examples of D/S dynamics in Kink:

• Training: The dom interacts with the sub as an instructor, and sets the training regimen to learn sexual skills, or even mundane tasks. The training can take place as yourselves or by roleplaying professors or dressing your sub as a pony, dog or other animal.

• Service: Not always focused on sexual service, this dynamic is a BDSM classic. It could be demonstrated as the sub caring for the dom's boots and leathers or by performing household chores, or even making the dom’s coffee a very, very specific way.

• Caregiver: In this ageplay dynamic, the dominant typically plays the caregiver role such as mother, father, aunt/uncle, or nanny type. The submissive might present as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. It's worth noting that it is possible for the little being to be the dominant, although less common.

• Keyholder: This relationship engages with chastity play, where the key in question is a key to a cock cage or chastity belt.

Titles:

The Role of Pet Names in DS Dynamics:

Titles and pet names are not just labels, but rather serve as a way to signify power dynamics and roles within the relationship. These titles can range from formal and traditional

Negotiation:

Setting and enforcing boundaries prior:

Before any D/s activities, all partners should engage in open communication and negotiation to establish boundaries, safe words, and any hard or soft limits. It is also a good time to discuss any medical concerns, words or phrases to avoid during the scene as well as form a plan for aftercare. 

Negotiation during the scene:

Setting boundaries or asking for consent doesn’t have to break the scene or ruin the mood.  Remember that every dynamic and the needs of individuals can vary greatly however, a few suggestions are:

1. Pay attention to your partner's reactions, body language, facial expressions, and any other cues that might indicate their comfort level or if they are approaching their limits.

2. Check-in verbally or through pre-arranged nonverbal signals. This may sound like, “How does it feel when I ___?” or “What would you do if I ___?”. Non-Verbal communication can look like tapping a body part, blowing a literal whistle or moving close.

Stoplight system:

Safewords are great for when you need the scene to come to a halt. If you don’t want to completely stop the scene, it might be good to implement the “Stoplight system” instead.

Green light: Love it, keep going! Yellow light: Slow down but don’t stop. Red Light: Need a break.

After care & avoiding the drop:

What is dom/sub drop?

Dom or Sub drop is when an individual feels emotionally low after a scene due to the sudden withdrawal of intense stimulation. Every sub or dom is likely to experience drop after their BDSM play at some point. Adrenaline and endorphins pump through the body to make you feel good but, when your session ends, those chemicals sometimes quickly leave. What was once a euphoric experience can suddenly feel painful and embarrassing.

What can drop present itself as?

Dom/Sub drop can look and feel different for every person, some possibilities include:

• Physical pain

• Extreme depression

• Irritability

• Anxiety

• Fatigue. 

• Self Doubt

• Identity Blur

• Feelings of shame

Some of these feelings can be expected after a scene, however, dom/sub drop is these feelings at a super high intensity. It can feel like a drastic shift in your mental health.

How to prevent and treat the drop:

Open communication, planning, and safe words help prevent drop, but they usually aren’t enough. You can’t predict drop will happen ahead of time, so knowing what it is and how to spot it early is best. Some tips include:

• Acknowledging and objectively analyzing your feelings

• Engaging in self-care rituals before or after play

• Be open to stop, slow or switch up the scene if drop starts to creep in

• Reach out for support from fellow dominants, subs, or online BDSM communities

• Reflecting on the scene, COMMUNICATING, and taking drop as a learning opportunity

Aftercare is the best way to prevent and treat drop.

Communicate and experiment with what works for you after a scene as everyone will have different needs. A few ideas include:

• Shower/Bath (shared or individual) 

• Snacks and Drinks

• Massage (especially helpful after activities like rope bondage)

• Affirmations and Reassurance

• Cuddling and Physical Affection

• Pillow Talk and Conversation

• Watching a movie, listening to music, or any other activities that bring comfort and relaxation like playing a game.